ASOUE 13 The Ferocious Fiasco Finale
by ICBM King
Summary: This is a horrible story of murder and arson. It is obviously my most likely false version of book the 13th. Title's three words explained inside. Chapter 12 HERE. The finale of the finale COMING SOON..... unfortunately
1. A Distressing Prolouge

**A DISTRESSING PROLOGUE**

_**Pre-Prologue**_

_Disclaimer: I don't own ASOUE! And I am not Lemony-whatever I say. And I am not putting one of these in every chapter, because it is impractical._

_I am back with MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!_

_Please R&R EVERYONE!_

_Thanks to all you reviewers! But I want more! More! More! More! More! More! Even if you say my story is sty, review! Special thanks: fjbtyl or whatever that name is. To say my story is good, what with his being flawless, is great._

The Petrifying Prologue

To be found on the back of _A Series of Unfortunate Events #13 – The Ferocious Fiasco Finale_.

_Dear Reader,_

I must regret to tell you that this book is one of the few in the world which will make you sequentially have dampened eyes, cry until a small puddle is on the floor, go mad and drink more wine than necessary and then burn this book, and possibly your entire house, down. However, you are probably wondering why. This book is the final chapter in the Baudelaries lives and possibly, probably and definitely the most disturbing, distressing, dehumanizing and disgusting.

Some would argue that this finale is a good one, because this miserable series needs an ending so it can simply stop instead of having more and more misfortune. It is my displeasure to counterargue that this book is so utterly devastating and awful that perhaps it would be better for 13, or even 169, more books than this one.

I probably should not even mention some of the woe in this book, such as an abundance of arson and murder, Sir, the Megatower, people who are stunningly villainous, a swarm of a gigantic number of eagles and a devastating ending to a wretched series.

This book is more ferocious than a lion, more of a fiasco than the schism and the ridiculously depressing finale to this series.

With all due respect,

-----Lemony Snicket's Signature-----

Lemony Snicket

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also featured: Dedication to Beatrice

For Beatrice: 13 books describe the tragic tale of the Baudelaires orphans, 169 could not begin to describe the tragic tale of me losing you.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 

Unlike most things, books should be picked up off the ground and tended to if found there. However, like most things, there are a few exceptions. The poetry of Edgar Guest is an example. Even more notable is this very book, which should only be left on the ground, but also buried under thousands of feet of mud. The reason is, this book is so full of sadness, depression, fire and woe that anyone who reads it will instantly be transformed to a mass of tears.

Perhaps nothing better illustrates this than the title: The Ferocious Fiasco Finale. Unlike the other books in the series-which I dearly hope you have not read-this book has three words after the word, "The." This is because it is so full of distressing things that two words can not describe them. The word "Ferocious" means "deadly, savage, fierce, violent and volatile"-which in turn means, "unstable"-. The word "Fiasco" means "an absurd or complete failure." Finally, the word "Finale" means "dramatic end." After knowing such dreadful words, one also knows not to read any further. Knowing them means this ridiculously sad series has a deadly, savage, fierce, violent and volatile absurd and complete failure for a dramatic end. Perhaps the word, "Finale" could possibly be used in good-for instance, a young boys baseball team could win their innocent league championship with a score of 12-11 and not a care in the world, making that a finale. However, this is the story of the Baudelaires, and I am sorry to say the finale of this finale to the series is even more depressing than this finale of a book, which I am sorry to say, in turn, is even more depressing than the rest of the series. Therefore, if such things as a deadly, savage, fierce, violent and volatile absurd and complete failure for a dramatic end do not interest you, I advice you to run away and bury this book.

This is my last warning-in the very next paragraph this finale begins.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire were trapped aboard the boat of Count Olaf, a greedy and notorious villain-a word which here means, "not a volunteer, therefore one who enjoys setting fires and killing people, instead of preventing the same things." Violet, at fifteen, was the oldest an enjoyed inventing things. At this very moment, in fact, she was trying to think of something she could invent to destroy Count Olaf. Klaus, at thirteen, was the middle child, and loved to read. At this very moment, for instance, he was trying to remember anything he read that could assist one when trapped aboard the boat of a villain when one wanted to escape and destroy the aforementioned villain. Finally, Sunny, having recently passed out of infancy, had not one but two desires. Her more primeval-a word which here means, "from earlier"-one was to bite. She loved to bite wood, rocks and hard things, for instance, however, she was at this moment wondering if a good way to free her and her siblings from Count Olaf would be to bite him. Her secondary desire was cooking-an art she only recently learned, but was very good at. At this very moment, actually, she was wondering if she might cook up something and poison it to destroy Count Olaf. All three Baudelaires sighed, and wondered if destroying Count Olaf would be good-as opposed to villainous-even in the circumstances.

"Row faster you useless, pointless and worthless twits," bellowed Olaf, "I don't have my crew from the _Carmelita_, so you have to do all the work. You are also fruitless, which means useless, pointless and worthless! Haha!" he added. All three Baudelaires grimaced-Count Olaf had changed his laugh again. Originally, it had been standard sinister laughing. Then he developed a taste for saying random words. Most recently, he had simply said, "Ha!" after each sentence. Now it seemed he multiplied that by two to get, "Haha," as in the sentence he then said, "Haha! Work! Haha!"

"But we're tired, said Violet," if you could only let me rest for a few minutes, I am sure I could invent something to do it for us, for instance a motor." "Haha!" laughed Olaf, "You are more useless than dental floss! Haha!"

"Dental floss isn't useless," Klaus pointed out, "And perhaps a few minutes of rest will let me recall something I read about this sort of thing." "Haha!" sneered Olaf, "You are more pointless than a broken stick! Haha!"

"Gretyvonvann," shrieked Sunny, which meant something like, "If you let me rest for a few minutes, I could cook something to recuperate my strength." At her young age, Sunny talked mostly in baby talk, that only here siblings could understand. Recently, however, she began talking in real words, but not totally, as seen here. "Haha!" bellowed Olaf, "You are more worthless than something in a bargain bin! Haha!"

So the Baudelaires continued to row. "Where are we going?" asked Klaus. "I can't tell you, you bookworm orphan," said Olaf, "Haha!" After a brief pause, however, he said, "Actually, as I plan to destroy you, it probably does not even matter! Haha! We are en route to the _Queequeg_ to destroy the second of those blasted Snickets! Kit! Then we will destroy more of my enemies until they are all gone! Then we will go to the Megatower, so as to destroy all evidence against me! Haha! Then I will go take your fortune, as well as the Quagmire, Widdershins, Denouement and biggest of all Snicket fortunes! Haha! Then I will kill you for your work will be done! Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha!"

In the distance Sunny saw something in the sky. "What that," she said pointing to it. "I don't know, Sunny," said Klaus. "What's what?" bellowed Count Olaf. "Oh, nothing," Violet said hurriedly. Count Olaf frowned, then went to the back of the ship. He opened up a trapdoor-a phrase which here means, "A hidden door on the floor." The Baudelaires only got a glimpse of what was inside, including a knifes, a harpoon gun and various other weapons, because Olaf quickly grabbed a match and said, "Tell me, or I'll light this ship on fire, causing you to drown! Haha!" "Olaf," said Klaus, "So will you." "Good point," Olaf said, putting it away, "Then tell me or I will knife you," he said, pulling out the knife. It was the same one he threatened them with long ago, in his first disguise, pretending to a herpetological assistant named Stephano. "Haha," he said. "Okay," said Klaus fearfully," up there. He pointed to the mysterious shape. Olaf smiled his wicked grin. "Haha! I finally found the self-sustaining hot air mobile home! Haha!" It was getting close, and Klaus saw this indeed was true. He knew it must be Hector, a kindly man the met in the Village of Fowl Devotees long ago. "As captain of the _Handsome Count_," said Olaf, "I say we stay here and wait. Anyone who disagrees will be stabbed! Haha!" "The _Handsome Count_?" asked Klaus. "Yes!" said the count who falsely believed himself to be handsome, "Haha! If you are a count and as truthfully handsome as me, then naming something after yourself is not overestimating, it is a common thing! Haha!"


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

After about ten minutes, the self-sustaining hot air mobile home reached them. Someone yelled down, "Who are you?" Count Olaf roared back up, "It is I, Count Olaf, the handsome count of a captain of the _Handsome Count_. If you do not let down a rope to let me up, I will stab these useless, pointless and worthless Baudelaire orphans I captured with this large, rusty knife! Haha!" Quickly a rope was let down. "Climb up first," yelled Count Olaf, "So you can't escape! Haha! I'm not even a bookworm and I still have good ideas! Haha! Unlike you! Haha!" Klaus, then Sunny, then Violet and finally Count Olaf all climbed up. At the top, the Baudelaires became happy at what greeted them.

Duncan and Isadora Quagmire, who they had not seen in a very long time, and Hector, a kindly man who they had not seen in a very long time-exactly the same amount of time, in fact, were there. They all hugged one another and began talking. "Quagmires," said Klaus, "Your brother Quigley is alive." "Yes, we know," said Duncan, "In fact, we were just going to pick him up now." "How did you know?" asked Violet. "We received a volunteer factual dispatch," said Isadora. "What- How-" asked Sunny. "Baudelaires, I know this must be a shock, but I am a volunteer," said Hector. "Why- When-" asked Klaus. "I have been for a while, Klaus, but in the Village of Fowl Devotees, rule #454 clearly stated: 'No one is to be associated with a secret organization of any kind.' Don't worry-since then I have become less skittish and now would never have not told you. Also, I got this telegram because while up here I was inspired by Violet's mechanical skills and knew I needed one, so I built one. Quigley's message came to: 'Train station, infinite, forest.'" "Who- Where-" asked Violet. "We assume this to mean we plan to meet Quigley at the train station at the edge of the Infinite Forest, which is startlingly similar to the Finite Forest, where Paltryville is, but not exactly. It is somewhat bigger, but not infinite, like the name says."

"Enough blabbing," said Olaf, "I still have my knife, and you will also see while you were rambling I brought up my harpoon gun, this case of matches, these flammable chemicals, the Medusoid Mycelium and this ivory dart rifle I stole from a hunter. Haha!" Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora and Hector were all amazed Count Olaf could work so quickly and quietly, but then decided to be quiet. Olaf took out one of two enormous jugs of flammable chemicals and then poured a very small amount over the edge. Then he lit a match and dropped it. Everyone looked over the edge and saw paper strewn around the _Handsome Count_. One page said, "THE SNICKET FILE." The people on board could only assume the other pages were the pages of the Snicket File. It seemed forever that the match went down, down, down, down, down, down! Finally, it touched the boat and then seemed to come back up and down. It did not hit a pool of flammable chemicals, but the wood burned nevertheless. The fire spread, however, and soon it did hit the flammable chemicals. In seconds, the whole ship was on fire and then, it was gone, and nothing but ashes floated in the water. "Haha! Now your precious Snicket File is gone! Haha! Now, we go to the train station at the edge of the Infinite Forest! Haha!" said Olaf. Everyone looked puzzled-why would a villainous man go where they wanted to?

Olaf, seeing this laughed. "Haha! Stupid you! Haha! There are people besides Quigley who may be at the train station of the Infinite Forest! Haha! Anyone who disagrees gets killed! Haha!" Everyone hurried themselves and got busy. "Now, I will go rest in the captains quarters of this self-sustaining hot air mobile home, the _Sky Olaf_. Haha!" "But that's Hector's-" Duncan began to protest. "Haha! I don't care!" said Olaf. He then went to one basket and then inside and threw out all of Hector's clothing and items. Hector was sad, but did not mention it for fear of being assassinated-a word which here means, "ruthlessly butchered"-by Count Olaf. "Good thing there are lots of spare rooms," said Hector, "Speaking of which, Baudelaires, each of you go find a room." So they did.

Then everyone began working. They crossed over the enormous city and saw the ruins of their house, the tower of 667 Dark Avenue, marketplaces, museums and more. They saw Briny Beach where long ago and not so long ago they had been, each time with Mr. Poe-a phrase which here means, "idiotic banker more concerned with money and his bank than unfortunate children, who also features a constant cough that is not only irritating, but germ spreading, and who was supposed to help the children, but did a despicable-a word which here means, 'worse than a lump of celery would'-job of doing so"-coming, and then the Baudelaires either embracing-a word which here means "going with the idiotic banker in question and following him"-or, the second time rejecting-a word which here means "not going with the idiotic banker in question and going instead with Kit Snicket"-his telling of them to come with him. They saw Count Olaf's old home, as well as movie theatres, dramatic theatres, musical theatres and operating theatres, and restaurants and several more things. They passed over the city and went into the countryside, where Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's house once stood, and then to a small town where Josephine Anwhistle's house once stood, and finally to a forest. They began to descend.

Olaf came out of the captain's quarters and started barking orders. "Land this balloon or I will harpoon you! Haha! Or stab you! Haha! Or burn you alive! Haha! Or dart rifle you! Haha! Et cetera! Haha!" Slowly but surely the self-sustaining hot air mobile home landed. As soon as it was on the ground Olaf said, "Listen to me! Haha! I am the captain of the _Sky Olaf_! Haha! Everyone go about before me! Haha! Then I will lock the door to my quarters behind me so no one can in and steal my proficient weaponry! Haha! You are stupid, so I will inform you 'proficient' means 'able to kill stupid orphans and old men with extreme ease.' Haha!" "We _know_ what proficient means," sighed Klaus, who felt like he said 'we _know_ what blank means' one thousand three hundred and thirteen times. Up ahead they saw a big building and a sign that said, "Infinite Forest Train Station." Everyone ran towards it.

Inside there sat a boy who looked just like Duncan Quagmire and a female version of Isadora Quagmire. Needless to say, it was Quigley Quagmire. He hugged his siblings, and the Baudelaires, and even kissed Violet on the cheek. "Haha!" said Olaf, "Stop flirting! I am still in charge, due to this knife and this harpoon gun," he said, pointing it around. We are going to ride this train to Partrydale, which is in the middle of the woods, to find my accomplishes. Haha! Disagree and die! Haha!" "Count Olaf," commented Quigley, "The train is not running, I have been here for days." "Well," Count Olaf said, "We'll drive it! Haha!" He forced everyone onto the parked train and then told them to start it.

In a few minutes they were traveling through the Infinite Forest. It was, the Baudelaires, noticed, remarkably similar to the Finite Forest. The trees looked like metal pipes, though here they were much bigger, and had branches that also looked like metal pipes, and they were shinier, as if Count Olaf had his shiny eyes on them all the time. They traveled and traveled and traveled and traveled and traveled until finally they saw a sign-"Paltrydale Station in 2 miles." As the train was going 100 miles per hour, it took no one longer than 5 seconds that very soon they would reach the station. Everyone was correct, and very soon the reached the station. Olaf ordered everyone out.

The town of Paltrydale was remarkably similar to that of Paltryville, though slightly more appealing. The Baudelaires remembered stacks of newspapers in Paltryville, but here there were stacks of magazines. The buildings here looked open and had only slightly cracked windows, and the post office featured a flag on it, instead of a boot, but is was just a page torn out of a magazine with the word Paltrydale scrawled on either side in permanent ink. However, there was no eye-shaped building of sinister person, which was a mild relief. Everyone turned left, however, and saw something that made everyone but Count Olaf gasp.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

There were some gates that had a sign on them. The sign said, "New Lucky Smells Lumbermill," and it was made of chrome with gold letters. The gates were made of iron and looked Victorian. Inside was a large lumbermill facility. There was a sleeping quarters, lumbermill and offices. All looked like a modern complex. Compared to the old Lucky Smells Lumbermill, or even by normal standards, this place was magnificent. But, it was not the facility that got everyone's eye, it was who was waiting at the door.

The two people there had a definite aura of menace-that everyone could feel. As these two people were terrifying, I will refer to them as everyone else does, only as the women with hair but no beard, and the even more terrifying man with a beard but no hair.

"Olaf," the main with a beard but no hair said. Olaf said, "Hello, I have arrived, with all these wretched volunteers. Haha" "Good," they said, "Now we can destroy the Megatower and then steal every fortune in the world!" "This is absolutely vile," said Hector, "And as an _adult_ volunteer, I will stand in your way." "Then this harpoon will pierce your heart! Haha!" said Count Olaf. "So be it," declared Hector. "I will give you ten seconds to change your wind," said Olaf. "Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven." "No," said Sunny. "Six," said Olaf. "Please do not kill this innocent," said Klaus. "Five," said Olaf. "Hector, consider how much you can do if you do not sacrifice yourself," said Duncan. "Four," said Olaf. "Please do not let Olaf slay, You Hector, not today," is the couplet Isadora then constructed in order to convince Hector not to die. "Three," said Olaf. "If you die nobly, nothing noble more will come of you," pointed out Violet. "Two," said Olaf. "Think about this," begged Quigley. "One," said Olaf. "Goodbye, children, I will miss you very much, but I can not not try to stop this evil man," said Hector. "Zero," said Olaf, "Boom." At the moment he pulled the trigger, the light flashed red and one harpoon came out of it, leaving three more.

It seemed everything was in slow motion. It seemed the next few seconds took a few hours apiece. The harpoon punctured Hector's chest. He coiled back in pain. The harpoon passed through and soon the end of it came out his back. Hector gasped, then staggered to the ground like a sack of potatoes-the expression, "sack of potatoes" here means he simply fell quickly, having nothing to do with a vegetable of any sort, nor a bag of any sort. His crumpled body hit the ground. However, the now bloodied harpoon kept sailing. Everyone looked at it and noticed that it was aiming straight at the woman with hair but no beard and the man with a beard but no hair. They looked shocked. Olaf looked surprised. The orphans looked flabbergasted-the word "flabbergasted" hear means "surprised and shocked"-. The harpoon then punctured them too. The harpoon continued to sail through the gate to the lumbermill. However, the two extremely villainous people could not fit through bars, so they slammed against it with such force that it stopped the harpoon and rattled the gate. The hung there, dead, on the wall.

"Haha! My plan worked! Haha!" "What plan, you sickening animal?" inquired Klaus. "To kill three people I hated at once! Haha!" was the reply. "But why do you hate those accomplishes of yours?" asked Violet. "Haha! They thought they were better than me, trying to scare me with that aura of menace! Haha! I am the greatest villain, arsonist and murderer in the world! Haha!" "Shouldn't be proud," commented Sunny. "Haha! A stupid baby trying to correct me! Haha! What funniness! Haha! Go back to the zoo where all babies come from! Haha! The only one greater than me is The Godfather." "The Godfather?" wondered Duncan. "Haha! Too stupid to know about _the_ Godfather! Haha! He is not a mafia Godfather, but the leader of every villain in the world! Haha! Except everyone else has betrayed me, including those freaks over there! Haha!" Olaf pointed to the two corpses on the gate. "Haha! Now we will go visit Mr. Ixi- Sir. Haha! Disagree and did! Haha!" He then ripped the harpoon out of the gate and threw it away, making the two corpses fall. He then opened the gate.

Everyone headed to the offices. Olaf banged on the door and then the door opened. A man with a cloud of smoke covering his head due to the cigar he was smoking opened the door. "I'm not an idiot!" he said. This is far from a normal greeting, but seeing how this man was not other than Sir, it didn't make anyone surprised. "So, you survived the fire," said Olaf. "I'm not an idiot," roared Sir, "Of course I did, or else I would be dead! I was one of the few." "What happened, exactly?" asked Count Olaf. "Well, we all rushed around, but I smelled smoke-I love that smell of burning wood. But I wasn't in the sauna, so I knew the hotel was burning. I ripped of my blindfold and told Charles to too. He didn't and started rambling on about it's not right. I told him the hotel was burning, but the idiot didn't do anything. So I ran out. However, once outside I saw those two folks with the aura of menace closing the doors. Only me, them, one of the Denouements and that Vice Principal with the awful music-playing skills, and that banana-eating freak and story-telling geek escaped. Fortunately, he kept playing, so the man with a beard but no hair drowned him in the bond. Then the one who ate bananas complained and was drowned. Then that other one said, 'One day I went to a hotel. It burned down. My friends were drowned. The end.' He was drowned for being annoying too. Then a taxi came around and said, 'Where's my vice and my teachers.' The man with a beard but no hair said, 'We drowned them because they are so annoying.' The Principal seemed modestly surprised, then nodded. Then he left and said, 'I am going to my submarine.' After that I went to the city's Lumber Convention that was on that week. Lucky Smells made no less than fifty million dollars, so now I moved out of dilapidated Paltryville and into beautiful Paltrydale. Now I'm rich and still not an idiot and I have a huge forest to harvest and I can give my staff wages instead of coupons. The only disadvantage is I have no Charles or assistant to boss around, and I have to make my own milkshakes. And that's my story which is true and I would know because I was there and I'm not an idiot." "Ah," said Olaf.

Bewildered at this story, the orphans wondered why Olaf was here. "Give me your boat," said Olaf. "No," said Sir. "I will harpoon you," said Olaf. "Okay, fine, there it is." He pointed to a huge boat made of wood with the words "Lucky Smells Lumbermill" written on it. It was on a small stream. Olaf said, "Okay, everyone on it-if you're an orphan! Haha!" Everyone climbed aboard, fearing death. They went down the stream. "Haha! In an hour we will be back at the _Sky Olaf_, where we will go to the ocean from, carrying the _Surface Olaf_, this boat. Then we will find Kit Snicket and the Widdershins and then destroy them and then go to the Megatower. Haha! I shall rule the world! Haha!" "Actually," Quigley the cartographer said, "It will take two hours to reach the _Sky Olaf_, due to me knowing my research." An spasm of anger crossed Count Olaf's face. Then his eyes grew very, very shiny. "Is that so? Haha! No one makes a fool of me and lives to tell the tale! Haha!" Then he did an extremely ruthless thing and pulled out his knife. He plunged it into Quigley and then threw him over the side of the boat into the creek. Everyone gasped. Then Violet shed a tear and everyone followed suit-if you recall from _The Austere Academy_, which I sincerely hope you have not read, the phrase "followed suit" has nothing to do with walking behind a matching set of clothing, instead meaning just doing something someone else does-and cried as well.

The whole journey they cried and cried and cried until they finally reached the _Sky Olaf_ two hours later, and still they cried.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

"Haha!" roared Count Olaf, "Now you know I am not bluffing; I really am willing to kill you! Haha! Now listen to what will happen: "We will use the _Sky Olaf_ to pick up the _Surface Olaf_ and carry it back over the city into the ocean! Haha! Then we will find the Widdershins! Haha! Any objections?" Needless to say, for fear of dying, there were no voiced objections.

Count Olaf instructed Violet to attach the _Surface Olaf _to the _Sky Olaf_ with strong knots. Violet used the Devil's Tongue-a favorite of hers that had been used in many a rope-related incident in the Baudelaire's life. Olaf told everyone to climb onto the _Sky Olaf_. Then the _Sky Olaf_ started up and it was weighed down, but it worked. "Haha! Soon I'll find the Queequeg! Haha!" All five remaining orphans wondered why Count Olaf wanted to find Kit and the Widdershins, but no one commented. After a few hours the _Sky Olaf_ managed to pass over the countryside, city and over the ocean.

Olaf ordered the _Surface Olaf_ to be dropped, and it was. Then he did something that I am sure will be of interest to you. He lit one of his matches and threw it up. As you almost certainly know, when a match touches helium-like that found in the balloons of a self-sustaining hot air mobile home-it causes an explosion. Olaf ran to his quarters and threw his weapons onto the _Surface Olaf_, and followed suit himself. Then the orphans began trying to do the same. Sunny, Violet, Isadora, Klaus, Dun-. As Duncan was flying in the air the match hit the balloon and caused the entire self-sustaining hot air mobile home to explode in flames. Poor Duncan was caught in this and was thrown far away and his dead body sunk underneath the water. All four remaining orphans cried again. "Haha!" laughed Olaf, "Another stupid orphan dead! Haha! The Queequeg in my grasp! Haha! Life is good! Haha!" The whole aboard the _Surface Olaf_ the orphans cried, until the reached a particular lump of coral. "Haha! We stay here until the Widdershins come! Haha!" Unless you happen to be as blunt as the lead pipe I know will seal my fate-the phrase "seal my fate" here means "doom me"-if I do not finish this chapter by midnight, you will know this was said by Count Olaf.

They waited there until the Baudelaires saw something that made them get déjà vu. As you probably know, "déjà vu" is the French expression for seeing something and remembering something eerily similar, and like most French expressions déjà vu is rather unpleasant. The Baudelaires remembered just a short while ago seeing a periscope rise out of the water. Then their déjà vu intensified-a word which here means "grew even bigger"-when an echoey voice called up, "Friend or foe?" Even though I strongly hope you did not, reading _The Grim Grotto_ allows you to be informed of the fact that this is an expression asking if someone knocking is with or against you. Also, whether you are a friend or a foe to the commander of the echoey voice in question is irrelevant if your intention is to enter the thing it is asking about, for instance a submarine. Knowing this, Count Olaf yelled, "Friend you bloody idiot." The hatch opened and the voice said, "Enter, Olaf," and now the Baudelaires déjà vu intensified very far indeed, as if they would once again have an unfortunate submarine-based misadventure-a word which here means "eventful yet dreadful time"-.

All the five remaining people climbed down into the submarine. At the bottom was someone the Baudelaires had not seen in a small time-Captain Widdershins, Captain of the _Queequeg_. "Aye! Aye! Welcome aboard! Everyone get down! Aye! Don't waste time! Aye! Wait, do! Aye! Don't fall! Aye! Actually, I'll catch you! Aye! So it doesn't matter! Aye! Come on! Aye! Oh, my the Baudelaires! Aye! And a Quagmire! Aye! I thought you were all dead! Aye! Aye! Aye!" It seemed in the time they had not seen him, Captain Widdershins maintained-a word which here means "did not change one bit"-his enormous presence-a phrase which here means "large physical size, combined with a vibrant personality and a loud voice"-altogether.

"Haha!" began Olaf, "Now I will take over the _Sea Olaf_, previously called the _Carmelita_, thought it was supposed to be the _Olaf_. In fact, I would call it the _Olaf_, but then it could get confused with the _Sky Olaf_, the _Surface Olaf_ and the _Handsome Count_. Haha! Maybe the _Land Olaf_ too! Haha! I'll make an army of vehicles! Haha!" "Aye! Aye! Not aye!" roared Captain Widdershins loudly, "This octopus-shaped submarine is called the _Queequeg II_! Aye! Because the _Queequeg _was destroyed by the man with the aura of menace on the Briny Beach! Aye! But the _Queequeg II_ is in better condition, and is bigger! Aye! Aye! Aye." "I beg to differ," Olaf said coldy, using an expression which here means, "I disagree with you." He continued, "Haha! I have three shots left with this harpoon gun, many matches, this knife and more weapons aboard the _Surface Olaf_! Haha! Do as I say, and relinquish control of this submarine to me! Haha! Relinquish means-" "We _know_ what relinquish means," said Klaus. Captain Widdershins looked scared, "Aye! As Captain of this vessel I give Count Olaf captainship! Aye!" "Good," said Olaf, "I will be right back, so no one go anywhere! Haha!" Quickly he scrambled up the ladder and then threw down all his weaponry-the flammable chemicals, the ivory dart rifle, and the Medusoid Mycelium. "Haha! I am going the Captain's quarters to lock these up and then I am coming out to boss you around! Haha!"

Count Olaf did what he suggested he would do and came back with only the knife. "Haha! Don't try to escape to the _Surface Olaf_, I burned it! Haha! In fact, there are its remains right now sinking! Haha! Take me to the main area! Haha!"

Captain Widdershins led them into the main area and there were four people the Baudelaires were glad to meet-Fiona, Captain Widdershins stepdaughter; Fernald, who recently quick villainy; Phil, who was the biggest optimist in the history of the world; and Kit Snicket, one the three Snicket siblings. Everyone looked happy to see each other and Phil said, "Look at me now! I went from being cook on a dilapidated submarine to cook on a wonderful submarine. Life is getting better and better!" "Haha!" said Olaf, entering, "I'm the new captain and this boat has a new name-the _Sea Olaf_. Haha! Anyone who dares argue with my superiority will be killed by the knife. Haha! And you, Kit, will die right now!" he said, and turned towards her. "No, Olaf!" she begged. "Okay, due to both my generosity and greed, I will give you a change. Tell me how to get to the Megatower!" Kit gasped suddenly and looked stressed-a word which here means, "Kit looked like she had to decide between leading a treacherous villain to a mysterious and important building and death," which was actually exactly what was happening-. "Okay, Olaf," she said, apparently not as foolhardy-a word which here means, "willing to die instead of helping Count Olaf, despite the fact death awaits"-as Hector. She told Olaf the route and Olaf instructed everyone to assist in going there, provided they did not want death. Violet set to work on fixing the telegram; Klaus on researching what to do and telling Isadora how and where to steer; Sunny and Phil on cooking dinner; Isadora on steering based on Klaus' instructions; Captain Widdershins ordering people to do the aforementioned due to his self-made position as "secondary captain"; and Count Olaf ordering people what to do.

After about an hour everyone was hungry. Sunny and Phil said that dinner was going to be chicken. "Aye! Aye! Good!" yelled Mr. Secondary Captain Widdershins, "A nice hot meal! Aye! Aye! Better than Phil's disgusting casseroles! Aye!" Even Olaf enjoyed the meal as they ate it, and he asked, "Haha! Someone tell me how long until we reach the Megatower! Haha! Or I'll kill someone! Haha!" Klaus replied, "Another hour, Olaf, it is very remote." "I don't care how remote it is, I need to go there to destroy the last evidence against me. Haha! After all the complete history of injustice is burned, every single V.F.D. headquarters is burned, all that's left is this! Haha! And I can steal the Baudelaire, Quagmire, Widdershins, Denouement, Spats, Squalor, Greziva and even the most enormous of all Snicket fortunes! Haha! The world will be mine! Haha! And the Godfather's! Haha! And the Principals! Haha! And my girlfriends! Haha! And Sir's! Haha! Haha!"

After dinner everyone continued doing the aforementioned jobs-except Sunny and Phil, who cleaned up dinner. And hour passed and suddenly the _Sea Olaf_ hit a bump and everyone looked up in wonder at what they say.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Towering above them was a huge bank of mist on a small island. However, rising out of that mist was a titanic-a word which here means "extremely big"-tower, made out of stone. It towered up and up and up and up and up and up and way-a word which here means "five thousand two hundred and sixty 'and ups's'"-up and up and up. In layman's terms-the phrase, "in layman's terms," simply means in basic terms a normal person who is not an expert on the given subject-it was pretty high. It towered up into the clouds and the top then had a huge, barely visible, dish on it than one could only guess its function.

"Haha! Here we are! Haha! Now we will go in the Megatower! Haha! Challenge me and die! Haha!" The Baudelaires felt a bit timid going into such an enormous and awe-inspiring structure, but nevertheless walked in. There was a huge lobby inside, and a magnificent chandelier hung above them. Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Isadora, Mr. Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald and Kit all looked amazed at such a thing and wondered who could have made such a place. Olaf, however, took no notice and instantly hurried towards a large counter. There were rows and rows of shelves, each one labeled. Such things as 'passageway,' 'fire,' 'Baudelaire,' and more caught the Baudelaires eyes, but Olaf quickly found the file we was looking for. "Aha! Haha!" he laughed triumphantly, "Fortune is in the 4300's! Haha! And Count is in the 7700's!" He ran to an elevator and everyone did the same. There was a long, long row of buttons ranging from number 0 to number 10,000. It went by 100's. Also, there was one button with no number. Olaf pressed 4300 and they were going upwards. After two minutes they reached a hall with a sign saying "Area 4, Sector 300."

Olaf ran forwards and there, amassed before him, was a huge section of files. "Haha!" he laughed, "Every one of these is a fortune of some bratty undeserving orphan family! Haha! I have a plan to steal them all! Haha!" He ran to one that was incidentally labeled, "Quagmire." There was a small keypad with the numbers 0 through 9 on it. Olaf typed in a 40-digit sequence and then on the screen it read, "Master Override Accepted. Fortune Access Complete." Olaf laughed and then found a machine that transferred the fortune from the Quagmires to himself, in his bank that was run by cohorts-a word which here means "friends, so that the noble people of the world would not shut done his bank"-. Then he did this to every single fortune there. The Baudelaires watched helplessly as there own was given to Olaf. In about twenty minutes, every fortune there was Olaf's. "Haha! My net worth is now over a billion dollars! Haha! Wait a minute-I never got the Snicket fortune!" Kit looked surprised and then Olaf yelled, "The biggest on of all is not here, there must be a reason," he paused, then continued, "Haha! The Principal will know! Haha! As for you, you useless Snicket, prepare for doom! Haha!" Then he picked up Kit and walked to the window and threw her. She shattered the glass and screamed as she fell. She fell and fell and fell. The drop must have been at least 800 feet, the Baudelaires noticed. They could here a soft, faraway, thud as the second of the three Snicket siblings died at the hands of this awful person. "Haha! Another murder by me! Haha! I feel great! Haha! I love evil! Haha!" Once again everyone near Olaf was saddened immensely and began to cry. "Haha," he said, "Our work is not yet done! Of to the 7700's!"

Once again they climbed into the elevator and Olaf pressed the button leading them to the 7700's. The doors opened and Olaf ran. "Here's the O section. Obadiah…Okadeefa…Olaf! Haha!" He used his master code and opened the door. Papers detailing all of his treachery littered the floor. He said, "Now, I'm free! Haha!" He spread flammable chemicals all over them and then lit them on fire. He paused for a moment, then said, "Hmmm, actually there may be several more things against me in here. I have a plan! Haha!" He went to the elevator and everyone clambered-a word which here means "walked"-in. He pressed the button that had no number and everyone felt themselves going higher yet. They exited into a small room with only a ladder in it. Olaf climbed the ladder and everyone followed suit. They were on the roof of the building. They were inside a cloud and then Olaf found a hole. He poured both his cans of flammable chemicals down it, and very, very far-thousands of feet, in fact-below an extremely faint splash could be heard. Olaf then lit some matches and dropped them in. Everyone ran down the ladder and into the elevator. Olaf pressed, "0." They went down. As the passed the number 6200 they heard the matches hit the chemicals. As 5500 whizzed by an explosion could be herad. After 3100 was a distant memory flames could be heard roaring all around them. As soon as they hit "0" everyone ran to the entrance, but flames were already all around them. They ran out.

It seemed everyone was out. But then a screaming could be heard and it turned out when they all shut the door to keep the flames out they effectively and non on-purposely locked Isadora in. Klaus locked through the window and saw her body lying limp and he yelled. Everyone ran to the _Sea Olaf_. Violet got it running and then all the noble people-the seven of them-cried and cried at the loss of another friend and the final person ever to bear the name Quagmire.

Only Olaf was in good spirits. "Haha! All the Quagmires dead! Haha! Almost every fortune under my command! Haha! Every shred of evidence against me destroyed! Haha! Now I will find the Principal! Haha! Go back to the Briny Beach! Haha!" Violet got the submarine moving along.

As they were driving Klaus happened to glance at the sonar screen-as I am sure you know, the phrase "sonar screen" refers to something used in watercraft to detect other vessels using technology-and gasped. He pointed at it in terror and said, "uh-oh." Everyone on board turned there head to look at it. Violet turned off the ship so that the enemy's sonar could not track their noise. Klaus put away all his papers so they would not rustle. Phil and Sunny turned of the stove so no noise could be heard from it. The three Widdershins all stood perfectly still so as not to alert the enemy. Even Count Olaf did not move.

As I am sure you have guesses by now, it was the terrifying, but unfortunately familiar shape of the shape on the sonar that made everyone gasp. It was in the shape of a giant question mark. And it was closer than it ever had been before.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

There are some rare, rare things in this world. Now, "rare," in this case does not mean, "not burnt to a crisp," like most things should be, because they are somebody's possessions that mean something to them, such as a basket of strawberries, a chemistry set, a dollhouse or a poisoned dart collection. It is good to be rare, so you can live, and steak should be rare, too. An exception to this is this very book, as if it were burnt to a crisp then you nor anybody else would weep for two nights because they read such a dreadful thing. Obviously Count Olaf did not like things rare, as he was an arsonist-a word which here means "enjoyed burning things, especially buildings, to a crisp"-. However, rare features another definition, that is: "not common." So, in the paragraph after next, the word rare will mean, "not common."

It is a rare, rare thing to see a villain as evil as Count Olaf smile, unless of course the are making a building not rare, murdering someone or successfully stealing the fortune of youngsters. But this rare, rare thing happened at the next moment, as Count Olaf's mouth twisted into a smile and his eyes grew as bright as the Lavender Lighthouse, if a slightly more attractive color. Suddenly he started making as much noise as possible by throwing steel pipes that happened to be laying around over and yelling at the orphans and other people who he had not yet murdered.

The submarine of the mysterious shape began coming even closer until everyone could see its dark sides. Suddenly, the two submarines hit each other and the long, terrifying one opened up one of its doors. A shadowy, tall figure was all that could be seen, and it looked as if it had a beard that went down to its knees and hair that did likewise. "Olaf, why do you disturb the Principal?" it asked in a low, horrible, icy, growling voice. "Haha! Stop acting as though you were the Godfather! Haha! You're second in command! Haha! So be quiet! Haha!" "As if you were not third-in-command, Olaf!" laughed the Principal. "Haha!" said Olaf, "Let's not argue. I stole all the fortunes and burned the Megatower-" "Olaf, you genius! I am extraordinarily proud of you! Burning the Megatower! Your title of Supreme Arsonist is not wasted! Congratulations! Have a cocktail!" "Yes," said Olaf, "But there was one small problem-the Snicket fortune was not there." The Principal gasped, "Oh, no. The Godfather will be mad-so will you, because you want money. And every Snicket is dead-Jacques, Kit." "No," said Olaf, "One lives. Unfortunately, like everyone else I only know him as L.S. He's a mysterious one." "Well, come aboard the _Prufock_ and leave those orphans aboard the _Sea Olaf_. We'll make plans!" "Haha! what a wonderful idea!" said Olaf, "I'm taking my weapons with me, idiots, and if anyone tries to escape, I'll kill them! Haha!"

Olaf then boarded the _Prufock_, leaving Secondary Captain/Mr. Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald, Violet, Klaus and Sunny alone on the _Sea Olaf_. As soon as the _Prufock_ was out of sight, Mr. Widdershins yelled, "Aye! I'm the new captain now! Aye! Aye! Now it is the _Queequeg II_ again! Aye! Olaf said not to escape but he left us alone! Aye! Aye! Aye! Get to work! We mustn't hesitate! Aye! He who hesitates is lost! Aye! Or she! Aye! We must work with speed! Aye! We must escape with swiftness! Aye! We must get to shore with silence! Aye! To the Briny Beach with swanlike sensibility! Aye! Wait-that's not what I mean! Aye! Anyways, get to work! Aye! Aye! Aye!" Everyone got to work doing jobs that suited there tastes. Except Klaus. His eye caught something that one would expect never-a word which here means, "ever rarer than rare"-to find on a boat that was Captained by Count Olaf. It was books. He ran to them and hoped he could find some information. There was a note on them that read, "For the fireplace." Indeed, it seemed Count Olaf was planning to burn books. Klaus, however, intended to do some research.

The books were big and even Klaus had difficulty understanding them. One was called, "Mushroom Miniutae," and Klaus recognized it as a copy from the mushroom library of Fiona, back on the _Queequeg_. The second was called, "Nuptial Law," a copy of which Klaus used in Justice Strauss's library long ago. And the third was called, "Odious Lusting After Finance: A Complete History of Injustice: Backup Edition In Case The First Edition is Burned." Klaus recognized this as the book Olaf-who the book was named after-burned in order to set the Hotel Denouement on fire. All of Jerome Squalor's hard work was thought to be destroyed, but apparently his vigorous-a word which here means "hard"-work was preserved. Unfortunately, Olaf found this anyway, and intended to burn it too, apparently. But Klaus thought this could be a useful thing in doing what he did best-research.

Needless to say, the goings-on in the rest of the submarine were just as one would expect, so therefore descriptions of them would be unnecessary, pointless, worthless and unimportant-a word which here means "unnecessary, pointless and worthless." What Klaus was doing, however, will be of interest to you, I am sure. He looked in the table of contents, which read as follows:

Forward

Prologue

Introduction

Chapter 1 – How Odious Lusting After Finance Happens

Chapter 2 – Minor Villains

Chapter 3 – On Fortunes

Chapter 4 – Count Olaf

Chapter 5 – Secrets of the World

Chapter 6 – V.F.D.

Chapter 7 – Mysterious Figures

Chapter 8 – The Principal

Chapter 9 – The Godfather

Chapter 10 – Should realtors be considered villains?

Chapter 11 – V.F.D. Part Two

Chapter 12 – The Schism

Chapter 13 – Known Volunteers and Villains

Chapter 14 – Places

Chapter 15 – The Snickets

Chapter 16 – L.S.

Conclusion

Epilogue

Afterword

Index

Glossary

About the Author

Suddenly Klaus realized the answer to every mystery the Baudelaire's had ever known was right in front of them. He knew he should find out about the Principal, the Godfather and other such things though, so he went to the respective chapters. First he intended to learn about the Principal.

"Principal Daniel Flammons of Prufock Prepatory School only uses the aforementioned job as a disguise. His true job is being second-in-command in the ranks of the villains of the world, serving only the Godfather. Even the Growls serve him. He is well known for his submarine, the _Prufock_ and the misfortune he causes. He has an allergy to peppermints."

Those were some of the notable pieces of information Klaus found. He also wanted to learn about the Godfather, so turned to the respective page.

Unfortunately, it was ripped out, and Klaus noticed this about several more chapters-the chapters discussing the secrets of the world, the ones asking the eternal question of whether or not realtors should be considered criminals and that on the mysterious L.S. were all also torn out. Klaus had to content himself with the others, the minor secrets. He intended to so, but suddenly the submarine hit a bump and everyone wondered what it was.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 

The source of the aforementioned bump was actually a bittersweet victory. A bittersweet victory is simply when you win something-the victory part-but it is tainted by something-the bittersweet part-. The reason for the source of the aforementioned bump being a bittersweet victory was that now the boat was on Briny Beach, where they intended to go anyways. However, it also called the _Sea Olaf_/_Queequeg II_ to crash because of the velocity-"velocity" is just a fancy word for speed"-at it was traveling. Due to the aforementioned, everyone scrambled to escape.

In a few minutes they all had escaped and they saw the submarine break down and get ruined forever. This was the third time the Baudelaires had been here, and every time it was empty and foggy. Also, Sunny always shrieked "Gack," which meant something along the lines of, "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog." Heeding traditional ceremonies-a phrase which here means, "Doing what she did every time,"-Sunny suddenly shrieked, "Gack," which meant something along the lines of, "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog." Indeed, there was a figure with a large, square head that looked mildly creep. It seemed the figure was heeding traditional ceremonies as well, as it turned out to be Mr. Poe, nitwit banker and terrible caretaker of young orphans who lost their parents in a fire.

"Baudelaires!" Mr. Poe exclaimed with exclamation-a phrase with here means "said with amazement in his voice"-, "What are you doing here?" "We just had to land here," said Violet, "What brings you to these parts on such a misty day? I thought you burned in the fire." "It's my lunch break. I escaped and no one noticed, thank goodness, my bank is still around. A small sanctuary. Well, since you have been trying to run away from me, nothing but wretchedness has happened. You will come with me, and I will find an appropriate guardian, as suggested by the will of your parents. This time, please do not run away with people, as it caused you to do nothing but become arsonists. Arsonists are-" "We _know_ what arsonists are," sighed Klaus, once again pointing out to Mr. Poe that he knew words that Mr. Poe considered to complex to any child, even one as intelligent as Klaus. "However, it will have to wait until tomorrow, at least, I'm afraid, as I'm extremely busy." "Hooray, we get to be safe!" exclaimed Phil. At this point in the story, you have probably forgotten about Phil, as thus far his dialogue-a word which here means, "What Phil said"-had been minimal. "Aye! Safety! Aye!" and only someone ridiculously dumb and dumbly ridiculous would be surprised in the least to learn that this phrase came from Mr. Widdershins.

Mr. Poe drove the lot of them-Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Mr. Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald and Phil-to his house, which hadn't changed one bit since the Baudelaires stayed there long, long, long, long, long ago. In fact, technically speaking, Mr. Poe was the first of the many miserable guardians of the Baudelaires after the fire. It still smelled bad and had two childred-Edgar and Albert-who were immature and stupid and certainly not acting like two children of a well-respected member of the baking community should. The next day Mr. Poe announced he found a guardian for them all, "In the Infinite Forest there is a small village called Paltrydale where a lumbermill is located you will stay. Though I daresay," he looked at Mr. Widdershins, Phil and Fernald, "You three are not minors and may do as you please." "Aye? No, aye! We'll stay with the Baudelaires to the bitter end! Aye!" "But the end won't be bitter, it'll be sweet! Hooray for happy endings!" said Phil in his ridiculously optimistic way. Anyone who has read parts of the lives of the Bauedlaires knows that happy endings are like people turning into boomerangs; as nice and occasionally useful as it would be, the Baudelaires just do not experience them.

Of course at the mention of the Infinite Forest, Paltrydale and the lumbermill the Baudelaires knew what was coming for them-they had briefly been there with Count Olaf, if you remember. "Come on, we need to catch the train!" called Mr. Poe. All eight people went into Mr. Poe's car. He drove to the train station that the Baudelaires had been to only a short while ago. The train was coming, even thought the Baudelaires thought it was abandoned. Then they sat down on the train and prepared for yet another chapter of misfortunate in their lives.

It is at this moment I will warn you not to read further. If you recall the very first sentence of the fourth book in this series-which I dearly hope you have not had the misfortune to even look at, let alone read-you will know it was, "The Baudelaires stared out of the window of the train into the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better." Such a dreadful thing only meant more and more dread in the rest of that atrocious story. I am sorry to report that in the paragraph right after that I will have to use a sentence that is exactly the same as that, and leads to a set of even more unfortunate events in a lumbermill. This is your final warning to save yourself from reading such a disturbing sentence as "The Baudelaires stared out of the window of the train into the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better," in the very middle of the very middle chapter of this book.

The Baudelaires stared out of the window of the train into the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better. Then they realized they were staring out of the window of the train into the gloomy blackness of the Infinite Forest, not the Finite Forest, but they still wondered if their lives would get any better, even though since the last time they thought that thought there lives got progressively worse and worse, and I am sorry to say, the same is true here.

"Here we are," said Mr. Poe an hour later, "The lovely Paltrydale Station in the lovely Paltrydale village in the lovely Infinite Forest. Goodbye, orphans, and I daresay I hope you do not get into mischief once again!" Just like last time they found themselves in a similar case, Mr. Poe explained that the train came only once a day and he was busy at the bank. But, among such friends as the Widdershins and Phil, they could not help but think they would be a little happier this time. Of course, they were wrong, but at the particular moment in time, I will let them rest with their happy thoughts.

They walked to the gate of the lumbermill and walked in. Inside was a note that said:

"Memorandum.

To: Baudelaires, Widdershins and Phil

From: Manager

Subject: Your Arrival

It seems once again I will have to use you Baudelaires, to work for me. I hope this time you are more efficient, as Count Omar is dead, so excuses are ridiculous and fruitless. Fruitless means ridiculous. Phil, it seems you had to come back too, I expect you to work hard. And the three Widdershins, I hope that you work hard too. Thank you.

The Baudelaires sighed and knocked on the door to their bunk, and a voice greeted them, saying, "This door hasn't been knocked on for sixteen years."

The Baudelaires feelings of déjà vu escalated.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 

"This door hasn't been knocked on for sixteen years," the man said, if you recall, "But nonetheless you are welcome to stay in our luxurious abode! Everyone one here has a good time 24/7! We love the lumbermill! We love our steak for dinner! We love our coupon wages! We love our foreman! Come on in!" Everyone groaned and moaned about the foreman being atrocious.

The quarters were cramped and there were bunks with bored-looking adults sitting on them and lying on them. There were no windows. Only this man seemed excited. "These are our friends and love their job! This is so much fun!" "Paul, come down you hyperactive twit!" said someone who did not look cheerful at all. "That's Mandy, he's the most cheerful person I know!" "What a ridiculously optimistic fool!" commented Phil. "Um, Phil, that's what you are like," pointed out Violet. "Do I really look that ridiculous? I must become a normal person! I will. Henceforth I will not be perky and stupid!" Then a man came in and banged pots. "I am Foreman Fredrick Flanders! Hear are the seven new workers! Around here we obey me! I obey Sir! I am not in disguise! Go to bed, tomorrow we started debarking! How come four of you are midgets? You'll have to work extra hard! Go to bed, morons!" "I told you, isn't he the nicest man ever?" commented Paul. "Be quiet you ridiculously optimistic oaf," said someone.

The seven newcomers each found part of a bunk and went to sleep. The Baudelaires were troubled, but assumed at least Count Olaf would never find them there. They fell into a deep sleep brimming with questions.

"Wake up, useless, pointless, worthless and fruitless vermin! Fruitless means useless, pointless and worthless! Get up! Go to work! Today is an important debarking day! Hurry up, useless pigs! Get to work! Stop lollygagging like midgets! Some on you are midgets! Work anyways! Work! Work! Work! Work! Work!" Foreman Fredrick bellowed, while banging pots. Everyone grumbled except Paul who said, "Good morning, Foreman! Who's ready for an exciting day of delogging? I sure am! Hooray! Hooray!"

Everyone trudged-a word which here means "slowly, tiredly and begrudgingly walked"-out of the bunkroom and to the mill. "Dejaplus," yawned Sunny, which meant something like, "Last time we were at a lumbermill, wasn't the first thing we did debark, too? I am getting a strong case of déjà vu." "Yes," said Violet, "But hopefully we won't be here for long." I must say she was right, but whether the reason they left is good or bad is debatable.

They entered the mill where a fresh log was there. Foreman Fredrick gave everyone a debarker except Sunny, who could use her four long and sharp teeth for the job, and Fernald, who used his hooks. Everyone else had to struggle under the erroneous weight of the debarkers. Foreman Fredrick yelled, bellowed and roared orders and insulted people left and right while everyone struggled. Finally, after what felt like 260 hours-but was really just five-it was noon. "I hardly think you deserve a break, but you have five minutes to chew gum you sacks of tin!" yelled Foreman Fredrick. Everyone grumbled, except Paul who enthusiastically said, "Thank you for this generosity! If I didn't stop debarking soon I would get so excited from it I'd have a stroke! Oh, my favorite flavor of gum! Life is so wonderful, marvelous and fantastic!" Finally something happened which did not give the Baudelaires déjà vu: Sunny ate gum. Last time they got five minute breaks after long and boring work at a lumbermill, Sunny could not chew gum. But now she could, and she pretended it was something hard like well-done-the phrase "well-done" here means "not rare"-steak, or rocks, instead of doing the same with pieces of wood. Then Foreman Fredrick yelled, "Okay useless normal people, freaks, midgets and midget freaks! Get to work! I gave you five minutes and one second break today, so be thankful! Get to work!" Needless to say-the phrase "needless to say" here needless to say-the phrase 'needless to say' here needless to say-the phrase '''needless to say''' here obviously means '''obviously'''-means 'obviously'-means "obviously"-everyone grumbled, besides Paul, who enthusiastically said, "Thanks a lot, Foreman! That's 301 seconds instead of 300! Isn't he the kindest man ever to walk the earth?" "It was 401 seconds instead of 400, stupid," sneered Foreman Fredrick, showing his stupidity and villainy by not knowing simple mathematics. Of course, you got bored and confused from the preceding explanation of the phrase "needless to say," so this book is now lying on the ground to be eaten and torn apart by lions where neither you nor anyone can ever read it again.

The Baudelaires day continued at a ridiculously slow pace until finally, at 6:00, the day ended and Foreman Fredrick bellowed, "Dinnertime! It's roast beef today! All you deserve is casseroles, though, pigheaded morons!" The Baudelaires were surprised that such a delicious meal as roast beef awaited them in this miserable mill. Nevertheless, they went to the dinner room and began consuming roast beef. It was delicious. All too soon the meal ended and they were sent to bed.

The next morning progressed similarly until lunchtime when Foreman Fredrick yelled, "Baudelaires! The owner of the mill wants to talk to your insolence! Which is surprising!" The Baudelaires wondered what was going on and left, with Paul saying, "How exciting and lucky for you! Hooray for you! Hooray! Hooray!"

The Baudelaires walked to a building with a wooden sign on it that had the words, "Administrative Building," written on it. "Here we are," sighed Klaus. They walked in. Suddenly a woman greeted them. "What brings you to these parts? I am Colette, contortionist and servant of Sir, and friend of Hugo the hunchback and Kevin the ambidextrous freak." The Baudelaires looked with wonder and saw this was true. The former troupe members of Count Olaf who were formally carnival freaks found a new depressing job, it appeared. "We are the Baudelaires and we have an appointment with the owner of the mill." "Baudelaires, what are you doing here?" Colette said in wonder. "We work here now, until I come of age in 3 years," Violet said. "Wow. We-that is Hugo, Kevin and me-work here and do what Sir says and each get 3 of the mill's profit. That totals 9." "Why do you work so cheap?" Violet inquired. "How dare you insult me! You of all people know freaks are lucky to get a job, and even luckier to get one that is legal! What we get is great for us!" Violet sighed at Colette's sadness and stubbornness and walked to a large oak door that had a sign on it that said, "The Boss."

The Baudelaires knocked on the door and a voice could be heard from within, "Who disturbs me?" "It is us, the Baudelaires, we have an appointment with you." "Of course I knew that! I'm not an idiot! Come in!" The Baudelaires opened the door and saw a large desk that had a sign on it that read, "The Boss." Behind it sat a man smoking a cigar with a cloud of smoke covering his head. "What do you want?" asked Violet.

"I know what I want! I'm not an idiot! I'll tell you what I want when I want! I'm not an idiot! I'm the boss! I'm not an idiot! Read my sign, it says, "The Boss!" I'm not an idiot! Anyways, I want to tell you that I expect you to work hard! That Count Omar jerk is dead so you can't blame him! You work here for three years and I give you good meals, a stick of gum for lunch and safety and then you get your fortune and leave me alone! The new Lucky Smells Lumbermill is a good place to work! I just thought I would tell you no shenanigans like last time will be accepted. Shenanigans are-" "We _know_ what shenanigans are," signed Klaus, "We know they are mischievous little things that chipmunks do et cetera. But Count Olaf will never find us here, so such things will not happen." "Count Olaf is a good man, it is Count Omar who is dead and caused you all that trouble! I'm not an idiot, so I would know! I read the _Daily Puntilio_, you know! Now leave! I am very busy!" The Baudelaires left with hope that maybe they would be safe and that maybe they could live until Violet turned 18 and inherit the fortune. They hoped Olaf's plan in the Megatower failed and that all the fortunes of the world were not his. I am sorry to say they would be disappointed, but for now, at the end of the 164TH chapter of this wretched series I will let them hope.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 

As they left Sir's office a possibility suddenly struck Violet. She said, "Why not ask if Sunny can help prepare meals? She wouldn't have to suffer this debarking nonsense, and everyone would be happier." "Good idea," Klaus said. "Like it," Sunny replied. They walked back into Sir's office and made their inquisition-a word which here means "asked if Sunny could cook instead of use her teeth to debark logs"-. Sir paused and made a "hmmm" sound. "Well, I suppose no harm could come of it. If the meals are better than roast beef, that you are welcome to become a cook. But you won't get paid extra! Are there any complaints? If so, too bad! I'm the boss and I'm not an idiot!"

The Baudelaires left and Sunny went to the kitchen and the others returned to the mill so as to work. The end of the long day was greatly appreciated, because besides Paul, everyone hated the mill. Dinner was turkey and mashed potatoes and it was delicious. Sunny proudly came out afterwards and said, "Blueberry pie." Sure enough a tray of fresh blueberry pie was brought out. It was delicious and cheering. Even though their days were full of boredom and gum for lunch and a yelling Foreman Fredrick, and their nights were full of uncomfortable sleeping in uncomfortable beds, the Baudelaires dinners were a small sanctuary and a small blessing because they were so scrumptious-a word which here means "delicious"-a word which here means "it tasted good"--.

Then Foreman Fredrick walked up and banged his pots. "Idiot workers who got a dinner they did not deserve I have an announcement to make. Tomorrow a new scumball will join your ranks as tools for the mill. His name is Count Olaf and I am sure he is as despicable as all of you. Now, go to bed, freaks!" The Baudelaires hearts stopped. Count Olaf found them again and now no one knew of his treachery, thinking "Count Omar" was the cause of their woe and "Count Omar" had died, when in reality Count Olaf just said this to confuse people and make them ignorant of the true facts. Something must have gone wrong in the Megatower if Count Olaf was chasing them still.

The next morning went by much like yesterdays-Violet, Klaus, Captain Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald and Phil debarked, Sunny cooked, the workers debarked and Paul was ridiculously optimistic. At lunchtime they just opened up their gum wrappers when a man walked in. "Hello, I am Count Olaf, and I now work for this mill." He grabbed some gum and sat near the Baudelaires and whispered to them, "In the Megatower your fortune alone was not taken by me. But, I can still adopt you and kill you! Ho!" This news distressed the Baudelaires as they could turn to no one. And it seemed yet again Count Olaf changed his laugh, now he simply said, "Ho." The Baudelaires were petrified.

It seemed wherever they went Count Olaf would be there to try and steal their fortune. No where was safe. It seemed that this cycle would go on, forever. This, at least, was not true, as this is the finale, however ferocious and how much of a fiasco.

Count Olaf, the next day, asked Foreman Fredrick if he could call Mr. Poe. The Foreman agreed. The Baudelaires overheard him asking whether he could adopt them. The phone was hung up and they could here was, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! The Baudelaires fortunate escapes and living and my unprofitable schemes are over! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!" He came out and then whispered, "Tomorrow at lunch Mr. Poe comes here to sign your adopting papers and then you and your fortune will be mine! Ho! Then I will kill you!"

Suddenly Klaus said, "No Count Olaf, there is a hole in your ferocious operation. We can turn to the Widdershins and Phil for help." Count Olaf's eyes in their terrifying and ferocious way started the get shiny. The were so shiny Violet thought they could burn through steel, and, indeed, wondered why she was no being consumed at that very moment. "Ho! You think I am a stupid and insolent fool! Ho! I'll have you know, they're all tied up right now! Ho!" The Baudelaires hearts sank. Count Olaf was a ferocious fiend, and they could not imagine where their friends were.

That night for the few minutes they slept, they were troubled by dreams of terrifying things. They then woke up to Foreman Fredrick's fans and his mean voice, "Wake up insolent useless people! Go to work pointless garbage cans! Slop lollygagging about like the worthless bananaheaded idiots you are! It is time to do something good, you fruitless bargain bins! Fruitless means useless, pointless and worthless!" and no one cared to point out that they already knew that, because they were so tired.

During lunch Count Olaf got permission to take the Baudelaires outside. When they refused, Foreman Fredrick said, "You will go outside with this handsome Count or be killed." So they left. Count Olaf said, "Come, to the secondary mill. Secondary means, 'Not the one that is usually used.' There is something you should see." He led them to the secondary mill, which was only used when the primary one broke down.

They entered the building and gasped in horror at what they saw. Behind a sheet of glass was a large saw, designed and used for cutting wood. However, a fair bit in front of it were four logs. Each one had a person on it-Captain Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald and Phil. They looked terrified and with good reason-the saw was slowly coming towards them. Klaus was horrified and ran up against the glass. However, not even one crack appeared. "It's very strong," Olaf said, and he was right. "No!" cried Klaus, but it was too late; the saw came ever closer. "Fredrick tied them up yesterday and started the saw today," Olaf laughed, "You orphans must be fools not to realized he is the last remaining part of my troupe. Ho!" The Baudealires were horrified, but to no avail.

Five minutes passed and now the saw and reached the soles of their shoes. The glass apparently was soundproof, as the spasming of the victims was seen, but not heard. Fernald's hooks were tied down, so he could not cut the rope. "The fool," muttered Olaf, "Ever since the saw machine cut off his hands, he has been with me. This is the price of quitting." Then the machine apparently finished the soles of their shoes and began on the soles of their feet.

It is not possible for me to describe the horror the Baudelaires felt as they banged the glass to no avail. As they watched their four friends get sawed up, they cried. Finally it finished and Olaf laughed, "Ho! Now those fools are gone! Ho! Let's go back to work! Ho! Poe won't be here until evening! Ho!" "No," said Klaus, "We are going to Sir." "Fine, then," said Olaf, "Please do go tell of this tragic incident to Sir."

So the Baudelaires ran to the offices and banged on Sir's door. After he claimed he was not an idiot multiple-a word which here means, "more than necessary, perhaps to the point of idiocy"-times, he paused and let the Baudelaires say what happened. He looked started, then angry, then said, "Oh, the horror."


	11. Chapter 10

_I am back. Please R no one is for some mysterious reason. I beg of you. And please do not comment how my whole book _   
Chapter 10 

If you have had the misfortune to read any of the previous books in this wretched series-which I dearly hope you have not-then you will know that once the chapter titles become bidigited-a word which here means "higher than ten"-they become even worse, as the finale becomes closer. This is no exception. In fact, the prelude to the finale of this finale of this series is even more miserable than any other four chapters read in the history of the world. I beg you to make this book about burning things and burning even more things not rare and make it burn so you do not burn up with trauma inside.

As the last chapter ended, Sir was changing from a look of shock to anger, and saying, "Oh, the horror." He was saying this because the Baudelaires just informed him of the fact Count Olaf had murdered Captain Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald and Phil via a saw. "Oh, the horror," repeated Sir, then he said, "Children, I would like to talk to Count Olaf." So Count Olaf went in and the Baudelaire orphans went out. The Baudelaires listened in through the door, pretending to pick something up, as Violet did long ago, when their already enormous troubles looked like a jolly circus compared to what they faced now.

Olaf came in and said, "I did it. Ho!" Sir immediately said, "You horrible man. I can not believe I was part of your troupe." "You quit, huh?" asked Olaf. "Yes," said Sir. "Fernald paid the price of quitting from me, and those two powder-faced women did; they were found dead by me. You will too." A scream was heard and soon after Olaf exited and showed the children Sir tied to a wall. "Very soon," laughed Olaf, "You're little business will be ablaze." He took out some matches and lit them and threw them onto Sir's desk. Immediately the paperwork was set on fire. Then the sign that read, "The Boss," burned. "Wait," said Sir, "I am the boss, whether or not that sign in there. I'm not an idiot. Baudelaires, I am sorry I was mean to you all this time, it is just I had a bad childhood. Please, please do not make the mistake I made and become cruel just because you had a bad childhood. And Olaf, somehow revenge will be got on you for killing my parents. Remember," he said, "I'm not an idiot." Soon the fire reached him and the Baudelaires were held back by Olaf and they watched the blaze consume Sir. "Sir," yelled Violet. "Sir," screamed Klaus. "Sir," shrieked Sunny. With a last breath, Sir choked, "Call me…Mr. Frixzfthf"-or that is what could be made out-. Then, the last dying breath of Sir was, "I'm not an idiot." With that, he was consumed, his face still hidden by his cigar, and now burned by the fire, never to be seen by anyone. And Sir Frixzfthf died.

"Orphans, now, come with me, fire is very dangerous, and I assume in a very short period of time, this entire mill will be ablaze." "No," said Klaus, "We must warn the employees of the mill." "Follow me," snarled Olaf, "Or I will dissect your pet monkey with my knife," brandishing his large, rusty knife, "Dissect means-" "I _know_ what dissect means," Klaus said, "It means, cut open. And that is just sick. And it is a girl, not a monkey. An excellent chef at that, you should know." "Whatever," said Olaf, "Follow me." So the Baudelaires followed, passing the mill where they spent a bad time working and past the barracks where the innocents slept, unknowing that they would never wake up. Only two people came out.

The Baudelaires exited the mill and went to the main road of Paltrydale. They cried and walked down the street. Suddenly two figures appeared. It was Foreman Fredrick and Paul. "Good," said Olaf, "Fredrick, strangle him so I know you can be part of my troupe." It looked like Foreman Fredrick was struggling inside, unsure of whether to murder or do the right thing. He looked like he was just about to, when Count Olaf took out his ivory dart rifle and shot him. "Fool, when will my subjects-troupe-learn to obey me," muttered Olaf, "Okay, children, we are going to the Paltrydale hotel and waiting for Mr. Poe to come and finalize my adoption of you." But then Paul ran up and said, "Olaf, you handsome man. Look on the bright side-at least you will have a fortune. Children, look on the bright side-at least you are not dead. Olaf, take good care of them." "You insolent, optimistic dip!" Olaf said, his eyes glowing very bright. Then he shot Paul. Paul gagged and his last words were, "I may die very soon, but I can look on the bright side-at least I get to choose my last words. And they will be-look on the bright side of everything!" "Okay, he is dead," laughed Olaf, "Follow me to the Hotel Paltrydale."

Unable to do anything else, the Baudelaires went to the hotel. They were only vaguely aware of the receptionist sending them to their room and walking up and entering the dirty room that overlooked Paltrydale's road.

An hour passed and finally Mr. Poe ran up the stairs and came into the room. "Hello, children, it appears at last we have found a home for you. Now that Count Omar is dead, no trouble will come upon you. This must be Count Olaf-I am pleased to meet you." Then he looked out the window and saw the lumbermill that was burned down. "My, my, what happened?" he asked. Count Olaf replied, "Sir accidentally dropped his cigar which lit the whole mill on fire. It is only because of me the children escaped." "He is lying!" screamed Violet, "You idiot banker! Don't you see? It is Count Olaf-there never was a Count Omar. Don't you dare sign those papers!" "Violet, I am disturbed by your attitude," said Mr. Poe, "A nice girl of your age should be grateful that someone rescued you from a fire and is taking the trouble to adopt you."

The Baudelaires hearts sank-the phrase "hearts sank" does not here and rarely does literally mean that the bodily organ called the heart lowers itself relative to its initial position, but rather means that the people whose "hearts sank" got depressed-as Mr. Poe took out the adoption papers and signed them. Then Count Olaf signed the dotted line and the adoption was official. "Children, we will stay in the hotel until tomorrow, when we will catch the train away," said Mr. Poe.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 

Why? That question is the universal question that philosophers-a word which here mean "people who live their lives isolated and alone in ivory towers atop mountains in the middle of nowhere, devoting their lives to answering obscure questions such as what is the meaning of life? and why do buses never arrive precisely on time?"-try to answer. It is a curious one, though, because generally extra words can be attached to it. For instance, a baker might ask, "Why does gingerbread taste better than shortbread?" A volunteer may ask, "Why do villains exist?" A villain may ask, "Why do volunteers exist?" And so on.

At that moment, however, the Baudelaires were asking, "Why are our lives a well of despair in which vile villains try to kill us and why is Mr. Poe so ridiculously ignorant of the truth?" They had a sleepless night-a phrase which here means "a night in which they did not pass into the subconscious of world of occasional dreams and subconsciousness known as sleep, generally because they are puzzling over questions, as was the case here"-so when Mr. Poe, at nine in the morning said, "Wake up children, it is your big day," it was an unintended oxymoron because the children did not need to wake up. Nevertheless, they said, "Good morning, Mr. Poe."

He coughed and then briskly-a word which here means "quickly"-said "Come, let's go." Count Olaf was already up and running-the phrase "up and running" here means "awake, so as to compliment his disguise of being a nice and orderly man"-and he smiled his twisted, evil smile at the children, who noticed how shiny his eyes were at that moment, as if one of his plans looked like they were destined to succeed. Those eyes, it seemed, followed them wherever they went, from place to place; from Count Olaf's own ramshackle house, in the bad beginning, to the lovely house of Uncle Monty, which had the reptile room, to the ultimately doomed house of Aunt Josephine, that contained a wide window, to a miserable mill similar-but not identical-to the one they just worked at, to an austere academy where they met two of the Quagmire triplets and the mysteries of their lives were unveiled, to 667 Dark Avenue, home of Esmé Squalor and an ersatz elevator, to a vile village filled with crows called the Village of Fowl Devotees, to a hostile hospital that ultimately burned down, to a carnivorous carnival that ultimately burned down, to the slippery slope at the top of the Mortmain Mountains beside the VFD headquarters that ultimately burned down, to the grim grotto known as the Gorgonian Grotto by the Stricken Stream that overlooked the hinterlands that ultimately burned down, to the Hotel Denouement where the penultimate peril in their lives were that ultimately burned down, and now he finally almost had them in their clutches.

They left the hotel and walked to the train station at the outskirts of Paltrydale. The train came and they got on it. Mr. Poe occasionally tried to break the deadly silence, but for the lion's share-a phrase which here means "most of the time"-of the trip, silence enveloped-a word which here means, "was everywhere"-their carriage. Once they were almost at the train station that seemed so randomly placed at the edge of the Infinite Forest, Violet noticed Count Olaf playing with some matches. She thought nothing of it. As the train stopped Klaus noticed Count Olaf striking the matches and letting them burn out. As they exited the train Sunny saw Count Olaf light a match and then throw it to the ground and she shouted, "Fire!" But, at that moment, Count Olaf shouted, "Fire!" in a louder voice, so only he could be heard. He grabbed the lot of them-Mr. Poe and the three Baudelaires-and jumped with them into some nearby bushes. They looked and saw the fire spread across the train.

Now, if you do not know about the flammable-a word which here means, "easily catching fire"-properties of gasoline, I will describe them to you. Once fire touches it, it explodes, causing more fire to accompany the death. Now, the fire happened to reach the engine of the train where gas was kept. At that moment, the thing exploded and the train flew all over the place and was destroyed. The train station too, was destroyed in the wreckage. Luckily, in their bushes, the group of five was alive.

A minute later, they climbed out and observed the wreckage, in sadness, or in Count Olaf's case, feigning sadness. Then Mr. Poe, in all his idiocy, said, "Thank heavens, Count Olaf! Thanks to you, we are not dead! Now, please climb into my car and we will be off to Count Olaf's house." Count Olaf smiled his nasty smile at the children as they climbed in, dreading everything and cursing Mr. Poe's utter stupidity.

Olaf guided Mr. Poe and they went through the city and to the country, about 20 miles from Uncle Montgomery's old mouse, that was burned down now. Count Olaf then said, "One more left and you will be overlooking Olaf Manor." Sure enough, after one more left turn a huge house was in view. It was bigger than the old Baudelaire mansion and was in an area surrounded by cliffs. Even the Baudelaires had to admit it was beautiful. They drove down and then Mr. Poe said, "Mr. Count Olaf, did you know that as part of adopting these children-who _will_ act property-" he said to the children, "You get their large fortune?"

Olaf's eyes grew shiny and he said, "No, but that is pleasant. Perhaps, in addition to investing some in their college education, I could build the west wing of this house. I will come and collect it now, if that presents no problem to you." Mr. Poe said that was a good idea and told the children to go look around the house.

They walked in, glumly and angry at the stupidity of one banker. For those of you who are thick-skulled-an expression which here means "stupid"-the banker in question was Mr. Poe.

Nonetheless, they were forced to admit the dwelling was an extraordinary one. Clearly all the fortunes Count Olaf had stolen back in the Megatower added up to a lot of money, because the manor was huge. But, being the greedy, heartless and ruthless villain he was, Olaf wanted more. The children walked around and found three large bedrooms beside each other with their names on them. Violet's had a workbench covered in tools and wires and a large cork board for making mechanical notes, a large whiteboard for making mechanical notes, a large chalkboard for making mechanical notes, as well as a large desk with sticky tack-a word which here means "device that was invented by accident that is extremely useful because it can be hung up and stay there, but easily taken down as well, it is perfect for making mechanical notes"-and some pencils and pens. Klaus' room had a large bookshelf filled with books on all subjects from North American mammals to astronomy to philosophy to-to Klaus' delight, as he had taken a recent fascination in the subject-Artic mammals, such as polar bears. Additionally, there was a large reading lamp as well as a nook, perfect for reading. Between these two marvelous rooms was Sunny's room. It was yellow, Sunny's favorite color, and it was filled with rocks, of all shapes and sizes, and colors. Sunny shrieked, "Bite," in excitement. Clearly Count Olaf's scheme to trick them was very well detailed.

As they were sitting and talking to each other in fear of Count Olaf's treacherous ways and in gladness they would get a few good hours of live before terrible things happened, a man suddenly appeared. He wore a black robe-much like the late long-nosed man-and a black crown, and black shoes and a helmet covered in spikes. In truth, he looked more like a medieval torture instrument than an average human being. His voice was rough and savage sounding. He said, "I am Gorgoroth, Count Olaf's final servant. Even before the day, in old Olaf Manor, when we had that dreadful puttanesca sauce, I served him. I was one of the ten theatre troupe. Indeed, besides Fernald, I was Olaf's first troupe member. However, all of them, old and new are dead. Besides me. And you, dear children, have less than eight hours to live." He walked away, gathering fear as he went.

The Baudelaires decided to run away, but then noticed that the entire manor was surrounded by 20-foot high fences _made_ of barbed wire and covered in spikes. To attempt to climb over it would be to die and be covered in blood before you were a foot in the air. Then they decided to dig under it, but quickly disbanded-a word which here means "gave up on"-this idea, once they realized the fence went five feet underground, and then below the whole property. Then they wanted to fly over it, but then realized it was above them as well. It was almost a sick thought, the Baudelaires thought, that the entire house was surrounded by a cube of electric wire. They sat glumly.

An hour later Count Olaf's black car pulled into the driveway, opening up and quickly closing an opening in the cube. He found the children, and Mr. Poe was still with him. Count Olaf took out the form that said, 'November 12TH, 1932. Mulcturary Money Management, the Banking District, Vassels City, England.' It was signed by both of them. Count Olaf had succeeded. The Baudelaire fortune was his, after all this time.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 

"Goodbye, children, please do not be foolish and immature, as you so often do, for this guardian." Only a reader with a head like a cinderblock-the phrase, "head like a cinderblock," is one which here means, "thick and un-understanding"-would be surprised in the least bit to find out that that was Mr. Poe speaking.

"Don't worry, I will be their last guardian," snarled Count Olaf.

"What?" asked Mr. Poe, surprised.

"I meant, that I will keep them safe for three years until Violet is of age and then let them free, and maybe even give them some of their fortune back at that time," said Count Olaf, in his slippery snake style voice.

"Oh, good," replied Mr. Poe, "See children? He is a wondrously kind man. Unlike that dreadful old Uncle Monty. Well, I need to go back to the bank. Mulctuary Money Management, that is. MMM, we call it. In fact, some employees even say 3M or M3 or The Triple M or simply make it one sound and say, 'mmm.'"

"Just go away," said Count Olaf, who at this point was as irritated from Mr. Poe's endless gibberish, and with one final, "Yes, okay, farewell children," and a fit of coughs, Mr. Poe left back to his job, for what, in all his endless stupidity, he was surprised to find was his last time.

Count Olaf looked at the children with eeriness and shininess in his eyes. "Ho! Orphan brats, we have an exciting afternoon ahead of us. Ho!" He stretched the word 'exciting' in an eerie and sinister way. "Just because you, Violet, are more useless than a pulley with no rope, and you, Klaus, are more pointless than dental floss, and you, Sunny, are more worthless than a dirty and empty sack, and all of you are more fruitless-that means useless, pointless and worthless, because I know you did not know that, in all your idiocy-than a vegetable tray, you will join me. First, we will go meet one of the few people above me in the heretical structure of the FS, then we will go exploring cliffs. Ho!"

Sunny, at this point, squealed, "Heretical? VFD? Cliffs? Confused. Nodeja." This, more or less, translated to, "What does heretical structure mean? What is the FS? What cliffs are you speaking of, if you could enlighten me? I am confused. I am not experiencing déjà vu and also need help."

Klaus explained that heretical structure simply referred to how an organization was managed, from top to bottom, but could not assist with her other two questions, and relayed-a word which here means, "transferred her questions," rather than, "transferred a small, metal, baton used in relay races,"-her questions to Count Olaf.

At this point, Count Olaf laughed, wheezed, laughed a little bit, then replied, "Ho! FS is anti-VFD organization founded after the schism for extremist anti-VFD people, not simply villains. Needless to say, me and about half of my cohorts joined. A total of thirty of the thousands of villains joined it. Now, every remaining villain from the schism is dead, besides the FS. And even of the FS, only eight remain. Including myself, and Gorgoroth, and who we about to meet-the Principal. At least we have more members alive than stupid VFD! They are down to one! Ho! LS! Ho! Whoever he is! Ho! Stupid orphans! Ho!"

"Four members. Us too," said Sunny. "Ho!" laughed Count Olaf, "Ho! Ho! Ho! I sound like Father Christmas I am laughing so hard! Ho! No one, save _no one_, understands your idiotic baby talk! Ho! No come with me! Ho!" I wish I could have been there at that moment, as I have many times in this appalling series, but I was not. I would have told Sunny-for she obviously meant, "Us three Baudelaires are volunteers, so there are four"-that there were in fact eight volunteers remaining after the fire in the Hotel Denouement. On the flip side of the coin-a phrase which here means, "Looking from the other point of view, however"-Count Olaf was wrong too. In fact, eleven villains were alive since the Dreadful Denouement Inferno, or DDI for short, as the fire at Hotel Denouement had now been called. Nevertheless, a total of nineteen volunteers and villains did not constitute a lot, and the rest of the people were normal people. The problem was, what with all influence from the volunteers and villains, even if normal people outnumbered them a billion to one, their presence would still be notable, because they are so significant in the tide of things.

"Come to my car," bellowed Count Olaf. They walked outside, sadly. Then they refused to go in, in fear. "GET IT THE DAMN CAR," bellowed Count Olaf in even a louder bellow. It is at this point Sunny said, "Redeja," as once again déjà vu was upon them, because after their Uncle Montgomery Montgomery had been viciously killed, Count Olaf had bellowed, "Get in the damn jeep," and in both cases, they had been facing dire circumstance, though I am sorry to report the new circumstance were exponentially-the word "exponentially" here means "quite a lot"-more dire.

Grimly they drove, once again back into the city. As they saw the city that never seemed to changed as the drove through it again, they sighed with sadness and déjà vu. The Baudelaire family had being known for having good instincts since their great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Bartholomew Baudelaire I had outwitted two tigers in extremely tight circumstances, and that was before that strange foreign country of America had fought a war with the English. Anyone who has read the _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ series-and I do hope that amounts to none at all-knows that this generation of Baudeliares-seven generations and infinitely more miserable later, as up until them, the Baudelaire family enjoyed marvelous financial and social success, but not it all came crashing down in a miserable way, what with all the mysteries of the world-was extremely resourceful and had fantastic instincts, that got them out of a dozen tight situations previous. Unfortunately, they had a baker's dozen-a word which here means "thirteen," as opposed to "twelve bakers, or twelve from a baker"-of bad events. And unfortunately, it is always hard to save your live a bakers dozen times.

They left the city and went to the hills-which here has both a literal and figurative meaning. Figurative means, "An expression used by humans to make meaning." Literal means, "An actual meaning." The figurative meaning simply means, "went far away." Only someone as sadly idiotic as Mr. Poe would not be surprised to learn the literal meaning means, "actually went to the hills." In this case, they went to the hills that were far away.

They saw a house. It was on one of the hills. It was evil, dark and sinister looking. "There," breathed Count Olaf, even he seeming a bit nervous, "Is the house of the Principal-second in command of the FS." They walked to it and before Count Olaf could knock, it swung open. It was the Principal.

This man was tall, and had dull eyes. He was bald, but had a small beard. "Come in," he said.

Inside, they saw three people who looked the same who were doing various jobs, and they looked tired. "Who are these slaves?" asked Count Olaf. "These are the Trubbled triplets, Tony, Terry and Tory. They are of the final five volunteers we need to exterminate. Their parents are dead; do not worry. But, I decided to make them troubled, so their name would be followed. Anyways, what brings you here?"

Count Olaf said he finally had the Baudelaire fortune, and wanted to ask about the happenings in the higher levels of the FS, which the children did not know what it stood for, but they knew it must be sinister. Then Olaf said, "By the way, what do you mean, final five volunteers? I thought only LS still existed." "Ah," said the Principal, "These three measly measles consider themselves of VFD. Also, LS-whoever and wherever he is-apparently has a servant or something, named Daniel Handler. Alas, I am disgraced to have the same name as a volunteer. Anyways, how about we dispose of these three 'volunteers' and these children, then we can go meet the Eagle King, and the Godfather and see what is happening in the world of villainy!"

They left, this time in the large limousine owned by the Principal. The Principal drove, with Count Olaf in the passenger seat and Gorgoroth in the middle, holding Sunny in his lap. Violet, Klaus and Tony, Terry and Tory Trubbled were forced to be cooped together in the back.

"Did you know, children," said Tony, "That we have discovered the meaning of VFD and FS. VFD stands for Volunteer Fire Department, and FS stands for Fire Starters." Of course, by this time the Baudelaires had long solved the mystery of the name of VFD, but the information on FS was news to them. They whispered quietly, sharing secrets, but the Trubbled triplets-who were 30 years old-did not know much more than the Baudelaires.

They parked the car on a cliff and climbed out. Count Olaf yelled at them to get out of the car, and they complied. Then Gorgoroth came and tied them up. He led them to the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, a man appeared, with an eagle on his shoulder. "Count Olaf? Principal Daniel Flammons? Gorgoroth? It is an honor to be in the presence of people so high up in the FS hericachy. I am the humble Edward King, better known as the Eagle King. What brings you here. And who are these six despicable looking people. Five, actually. One of them is an even more despicable looking infant." "We came here to throw them off this cliff," said the Principal. "Let me help," said the Eagle King, "I would be honored to make a swarm of eagles come and knock them off the cliff." "Good," said the Principal.

"Eaglius, Lord of Eagles, fly and summon your flock, and make these volunteers and pre-volunteers fly off this cliff!" At this point, you are probably wondering what the Eagle King was doing. In layman's terms-a phrase which here means, "in normal words"-he was ordering his leader eagle to tell his eagle friends to kill the six volunteers.

The swarm of eagles came. The rushed to the cliff. The Baudelaires felt themselves falling. They could not struggle because the bonds were tight. Violet yelled, "For the love of inventions!" Klaus yelled, "For the love of books." Sunny yelled, "Geronimo," which meant something along the lines of, "For the love of hard things! For the love of cooking!" The Trubbled triplets too fell. Tony yelled, "For the love of goodness!" Terry yelled, "For the love of greatness!" Tory yelled, "For the love of excellentness!"

At this point, all six parties in question were shocked to here three more voices. "For the love of Prufock!" yelled the Principal, referring to both his school, Prufock Prepatory School, which is now vacant-a word which here means "unused"-and Dominick Ex Prufock, one of his heroes, who happened to be the wretched principal of a wretched school, who was burned at the stake over six centuries years ago and who he named his school after. "For the love of eagles!" yelled the Eagle King. "For the love of sharp, pointy spikes and dark armor!" yelled Gorgoroth.

Apparently, the eagles accidentally knocked the three villains off, dooming them as well. They were certainly sad, but helpless to do anything about, their king. They flew away.

The number three, being the third number in the Arabic numerical system, is the third number in the Arabic numerical system, and is pronounced three. After counting "one" and "two," one then counts "three," to be the third number in that sequence, as it has long been the third number in the Arabic numerical system and at this point you are asleep so you will not read the final chapter of the final book of _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ and a ferocious fiasco finale will not make you desperately sad.

Please, if you are still awake, pretend the Baudelaires were picked up by the eagles or landed in an ice cream truck so as to spare yourself tears.

The penultimate chapter of the finale book ends here, with nine volunteers and villains plummeting. Please do not imagine them plummeting to their doom. Now go throw this book and make it plummet into a volcano and destroy it.

Almost The End.


End file.
